His poor hand.


All I could notice today was Jonah’s sweet little hand and the big bruise on it that he never deserved. Man, thinking about that puts into perspective how God must have felt looking down at Jesus on the cross taking on the pain and shame of all the sin that was never His to bear.

This past week we spent a couple of days (one full night and one half night) in the hospital with Jonah boy. Thursday night he was up at 2am trying to nurse, couldn’t stop coughing, started breathing rapidly, and I knew something just wasn’t right. I took him down to Thomas, he quickly agreed, we called Marilyn, she was over instantaneously (praise the Lord for her) and we were on our way. It was a bit of a scary drive… I just felt so frustrated bc it seems like we have been dealing with these dumb issues for way too long. Ever since he got RSV officially, its been an ongoing struggle.

So we got to the hospital, they ran lots of tests, did an xray, some bloodwork (gah, that was really hard. His first time getting that done), and eventually determined he needed to be admitted bc of his breathing rate and wheezing. At the time I was actually relieved bc it seemed like this would be the way we could finally figure this out. We’ve been in the ER with Jonah in the middle of the night multiple times but never been admitted.

I think the worst part of it all was the IV. That or the oxygen tubes in his nose. The nurses struggled with putting in his IV and he just screamed and screamed. I left the room because I couldn’t take it. Thomas stayed with him. That’s why he is so bruised up though. On his sweet little hands. They tried it on both and couldn’t get it for the longest time. Then they put this cardboard thing on and tried to tape it a bunch bc he kept chewing at it and trying to get it off. Ugh, my heart.

By the time the morning officially rolled around Thomas had to get to work. This happened right during the most stressful, busy, crazy time at the plant. I was there alone for most of the time with Jonah which was definitely challenging. Thankfully my mom came as much as she could and stayed with us but she had to help with Esther and get some other things done too. He hated it there… wouldn’t sleep. The only way I could get him to calm down was by nursing him. That really came in handy though… Since I was nursing him I got a free guest tray. Otherwise I would have had to pay for every one. Although they were very clear I did not get to pick the food I wanted, I was still thankful to at least be given something… Some of it was less than appetizing so I ended up ordering a pizza but still it was reassuring I wasn’t going to starve to death. That and my mom brought me a bunch of snacks and chocolate and books and lotion and of COURSE my Plexus which I would have suffered tragically without.

So since he hated the metal bar crib AKA jail for a baby he just laid by me and nursed if he was calm which was about 10% of the time. The other 90% he was jittery and hyper and a little bit wild because of the steroid he has been on. That + a tiny room with NOWHERE for a baby to walk/play/explore proved to be a royal pain in the tail. The only place he could burn off energy was in his little jail cell and when he did that he twisted up all his cords and wires which sent his monitor into a beeping frenzy and the nurses would come in saying, “oh my, my my! What have you done little man?!” as they tried to untangle the mess. Some of the nurses were super sweet and helpful. Others needed a nap or chocolate or something. We tried to ignore them. Well, it was only one. But that’s not really important.

Anyways!! I couldn’t have asked for more support, texts, Marco Polos, comments, messages, etc. Its amazing how people rally for you and support you in hard times. I dog on social media a lot and sometimes say how I wish we lived in simpler times without being SO connected (and disconnected simultaneously) but in this situation, I was really reminded of the good that social media can bring. Our church sent some beautiful flowers that I repeatedly sniffed for a whiff of calm and happiness. Jonah would be in my arms trying to fight for freedom, climbing up the window, knocking over his snacks, crying and crying – I wouldn’t want to do that again. Like ever. But we had some really fun moments like when he was in the crib/jail cell and I ran around and made him laugh. He looked SO sweet in his little baby hospital gown. Goodness, I just love that boy.

Everyone that came in and helped us commented on how beautiful he is. His eyes. How happy and sweet he is. Even in that awful situation, he brought joy to everyone that saw him. In the end, they determined that this was all caused by asthma…which was triggered by RSV. So now we have to do more research on what his asthma triggers are… stay up on his asthma meds as well as breathing treatments and we are finishing out the steroid too. I’m also starting him on ProBio5 and vitamin C powder as we give him the asthma medication granules. I’m hoping that sooner than later we can move away from the asthma med and just stick to his probiotic and vitamins. I really believe we will be able to! Just have to give it time.

The homecoming was so good though. You don’t realize how much you appreciate your normal until your normal gets shaken. The hiding on the couch while daddy counts and then tickles us… the books before bedtime… the dinner together at the table. I love our little family. Today was special too…Since it was Sunday Thomas got to be home all day. The kids slept in (of course the only day lol) so I got to sleep and it was glorious!! We had a big breakfast together of chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, and eggs. Esther loves bacon so much! Haha. Then we took a trip to 392 for a family coffee date. Gosh, Essie was so sweet singing songs and hugging Thomas over and over. Jonah sweetly sat in my lap smiling and waving at anyone he saw. Esther picked out an apple cream cheese cupcake and I got Jonah a blueberry streusel muffin. Streusel. That is a weird word. And I had to look up how to spell it. Ok, I feel better now that you know that. My conscious was itching when I wondered if you thought I knew how to spell it on my own and I didn’t.

Ok, moving on. I got my FAVORITE thing ever… An iced caramel macchiato. I did try it with almond milk this time since I am mostly dairy free these days and…. it tasted just as good! Woop-dee-doo-dah-day!!! Thomas got a Chem-x something or other fancy, fruity coffee. It was pretty legit looking. We both just looked at each other and sighed knowing its the absolute best coffee on the planet. Then we got home.. I sat out in the car while Esther took her nap. The boys went inside and napped. I made a cleaning board on Trello, baked up some egg cups for breakfasts this week, Essie watched Curious George, and then it was time for family dinner! What a marvelous Sunday. I am so happy to be home and that our little boy is on the upswing. I love you so much, Jonah. You are precious to us.


Building An Empire From My Kitchen Floor

Here I sit, on this memory foam mat in the center of my kitchen floor. Its the only safe place. When both kids are asleep… They can hear me typing. They seriously can and they wake right up. So I will hide here. “In the shadow of the yourrrrr wingssssss,” totally channeling my inner Darlene Czech right there.

Ooooook, anyways. Why am I blogging? Well, that’s a great question. Because I haven’t in ages and I don’t want to forget about this stage of life. Everything seems to pass so quickly. One day I will look back and laugh at the fact that I had nowhere to go but my kitchen floor to try and work.

So Plexus has been a major blessing. The products and the business opportunity. I am honestly just so grateful and humbled by it. This is my 1 year anniversary-month and its been so much fun so far. My team is wonderful. And I know we’re just getting started. I should be hitting Ruby this month!!! Whaaaaatttt!!?! God is so good! Perfect timing since…. tomorrow we are closing on our new house!!!!!! #2 Whaaaaaatttt!!?! I mean, really. Who would have thought? We certainly weren’t looking for a house yet but this literally kind of fell into our laps. Again, God is always faithful. He is always looking out for us.

Anywho, other updates? I have started going back to Jazzercise and I love it. I had to wait until they offered babysitting in the afternoons but now they do! Wahoo! Time to get this muffin top whipped into shape. I will shake my hips until things quit jiggling. Mark my words!!!

The kids…. Well Jonah tried out this new Nested Bean Zen Sleep Sack thing last night. I’m totally a believer. He usually wakes up at midnight and 3am like clockwork. Last night he slept from 12-6am. Hollaaaaa!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! Too bad I was up all night watching The Truth About Vaccines Docu-Series (yeah we won’t even get into that here. But…. wow. Just wow). Back to Jonah. He is happy as ever. Thomas jokes around he is our “VitalBiome” baby as we got started on that happy pill-probiotic around the time he came into our lives!! I can tell you one thing for sure – Mama having a healthy gut makes for a much happier and healthier baby. I’ve been coming across so many studies on the importance of the microbiome, healthy gut flora, probiotics, prebiotics, etc. I’m grateful we have the tools to help our children thrive!

One thing I’d like to learn more about is use of the oils as well as finding more and more clean recipes/food for my family to eat. Esther has recently hit a stage where she is super picky! It is stressful bc I want to give her healthy foods but sometimes I’ll spend all this time preparing things and she won’t touch them. Gotta keep working on that whole situation.

So yeah, otherwise more updates about Jonah? He is rolling around back and forth. He is almost sitting up on his own! Its funny – he is so chill and relaxed – he could just lay there on his back and smile at me all day. Esther was the opposite. She had to be on the move CONSTANTLY!!!!!! He tried banana for the first time last week and loved it. When I move the spoon to him he yanks it right out of my hand and feeds himself!!! Haha! I can’t wait to introduce more foods. That’s another thing though. The doctor said bc he is breastfed he is going to need an iron supplement… So I need to look into that. I’m wondering if I just made iron-rich purees if that would be enough for him. Not sure. Another thing just spinning around in my head. (There is a lot of that going on). Esther just had to start on an actual iron supplement which makes me think maybe I want to be extra preventative so Jonah doesn’t have to go through that too. Hmmmmmmmm. So many thoughts!!!!!! Mom life is overwhelming sometimes. Like really what qualifications do I have to make every last decision about these little peoples lives?! Its a lot of responsibility!! I hope I do it at least mostly right and raise wonderful humans. God will help me. I know. Breathe, Angela. Just breathe and do the next thing. I have to tell myself that a lot. Do you? Ok, lets move onto Esther.

So as I said, she is extremely picky right now. She also has had a terrible rash and that’s been something we’re working through. My friend Darla recommended something called Bag Balm that I think I will pick up for the next time it ever happens. Is that awkward to say on here? I honestly just need to brain dump right now, y’all. So if you’re reading this and didn’t want to hear about diaper rash, I do apologize. We can pick a new topic. She has a new book we got her at Sams that has about 6 or 7 Dr. Suess books combined into one! Its super fun. Her favorite one is called The Best Nest. There’s a sweet song in it that we sing together… “I love my house. I love my nest. In all the world, our nest is best!” Isn’t that just so sweet? Glad we had that moment together. She is talking SOOOO much.. Oh  my word. She’s like a parrot. She will repeat everything you say! Its amazing and also alarming bc if I drop something like “OH BARNACLE BUTTER!” you better believe that’s coming straight out of her little lips too. She enjoys brushing her teeth with me. We listen to the Elmo “Brush your teeeeeeetthhh, brush brushy brush brushy brush brush, UH!” song on YouTube everytime. I wonder if she will ever be able to brush without the song. I’m picturing her at 22 years old in college setting up her phone and opening up the YouTube video every morning now. Yeahhh, I’m sure that won’t happen. Oh, here’s another thing I don’t have figured out. POTTY TRAINING. And along with that? BINKY ADDICTION! How in the world am I supposed to get rid of that thing without all of us losing our ever-loving minds?! Please someone enlighten me. The car rides are full of enough screaming and torture. I just don’t see this changing anytime soon. Potty training… I just need to do it. I don’t know how. I hate not knowing how to do something. I can look on the internet, yes, as I do for almost everything in my life. However, I will probably get sucked into looking at laundry room closet makeovers or videos on how to make baby food purees. BTW, we need a new blender. Ours isn’t working worth a darn. Add that to the box of unchecked boxes.

HOLY BUCKETS that’s a lot of typing and rambling and did I accomplish anything? Well, maybe. At least all my thoughts are dumped out and not all smushed into the space above my eyebrows. Yeah, that should count for something. So I guess this is where I’ll wrap up this life update. On a great note, I got to take a shower yesterday and Thomas cleaned up the kitchen and helped me make dinner. He should get a medal! What a guy!! Alright, back to building my empire but maybe I should sweep the floor real quick…

Sleep sack:

Essie “hiding” – I love that she thinks she cannot be see when she puts a pillow in front of her face. What a fun stage!


When a toddler gets ahold of your phone and takes pictures. 3

They love each other 🙂


Jonah enjoying bananas!


❤ Ang


Just a Glimpse

Its been awhile. Life has changed a lot since Jonah came! I still remember the day I sat in this very spot and blogged about the dream I had.. When the Lord told me there was even going to be a Jonah. Its so crazy to think about how quickly life moves forward. You’ll totally miss it if you aren’t paying close enough attention. You’ll miss what matters.

What is it that matters, anyway? If you were to ask me, its the little things. The little things are the things that are most easily taken for granted and later, most easily forgotten. Like the way Esther always says “scuse, you, Mama” when she is trying to say “excuse me” or “bless you, mama/baby” when one of us sneezes. In fact.. I am going to take a few moments now and just list some of the sweet little facts about my people that I know won’t always “be”

  • JONAH:
    • He does that adorable new baby stretch with the puckered lips and the tiny hands in fists
    • He looks up into my eyes as he is nursing and I can tell there is absolutely no other place he’d rather be
    • He fell asleep on me yesterday, all curled up in a little ball, so content
    • He sleeps in the bassinet in the pack & play right next to our bed (soon to be changed when we get a bigger bed)
    • He falls asleep about 8pm and goes until 1… or sometimes even 3… eats, and goes back to sleep
    • He is cooing and loves when someone smiles at him and communicates
    • He is still in disposables; We are trying to decide what type of cloth we want to start him on
    • We are trying to figure out a new “normal”; she doesn’t like to fall asleep on her own so naps are rough. Very rough. I try and snuggle her for quite awhile right after I get Jonah laid down and then I walk out and just have to wait…
    • She dyed eggs for the very first time today and she loved it. She was “rolling” the egg around with a fork in the dye and she just kept saying “rollin, rollin, rollin….”
    • She is quite obsessed with Veggie Tales & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
    • She still loves cheese
    • She calls all drinks “wa-wa”
    • She is a great eater!! She often will walk up to me and say “Eat! Eat!”
    • She likes to snack on granola bars, goldfish, crackers, cheese, fruit….
    • She sleeps all through the night but has been harder to put to sleep lately… Often Thomas has been falling asleep in her room on the floor next to her crib
    • She has been missing her daddy… He’s been doing 6 days of 12’s/week so sometimes she’ll sweetly ask me, “da-ee home?”
    • She generally does well with Jonah. Sometimes when she wants attention or needs me she will get mad if he’s nursing and swat at him but for the most part she gives him kisses and encourages me to take care of him by saying things like “Eat, a-den (again)?” or in the mornings when we hear him on the monitor “Baby up! baby up!” Ah, she makes me smile.
    • She is your general toddler… Like yesterday, she pulled every single shoe off the rack and piled them up in front of the door
    • She loves to take walks. Thomas just found us a new double stroller (well, not new, it was on the QC buy & sell) and its awesome! Perfect for the fam.
    • She likes toast or bread a lot
    • She’s been crying in her room while I type this… If I go in there she won’t sleep though. Gah.

So that’s where things are currently. Yesterday I had her in the crib trying to fall asleep, him asleep in my room, and took the fastest shower I possibly could. But it was awesome. My hair was so dirty, I think I could have found bugs in it. That’s disgusting. Thomas has had to be gone so much I’ve really learned to find a new strength within myself that I didn’t know I had. I’ve had to learn a lot of lessons in patience. I’ve begun learning the art of mothering 2. Its definitely an art.

Well, I think I’m gonna go hug her. Who cares if she sleeps.

Jonah | Birth Story


Let’s start with the good news up front – He is here. We made it. I’m alive. He’s very alive, stuffed full of milk. I’m stuffed full of pancakes and an omelet. Hallelujah. Praise the Lamb. We done. Ya hear? We done.

Who am I kidding? We just gettin’ started… But you know what I mean. Ok, so where do I begin?

Well, first of all, this labor started out very differently because I experienced a lot of prodromal labor for the 3-4 days leading up to delivery. It was different than just having contractions… They would get super regular, very close together, very intense, and then stop. Then it would repeat. Over and over and over. Soon enough the most break I got between them was about 20 minutes but they were still not “real” contractions, as in actually-dilating-the-cervix, “real.” That was super discouraging and exhausting. I had people asking me as the due date came and went, “Are you having contractions yet? Any news?” and I was too exhausted to explain most of the time that yes, I was having contractions, and yes, they we’re regular and painful, but no, I wasn’t in labor yet. Whew! This is not what happened with Esther. I had some hard contractions leading up to the birth but nothing that mimicked the pattern of real labor patterns that consistently.

We had gone several nights where I contracted through the night very closely together. The first night we thought “this is it!” We called my sister in law, Monica, over so she could stay with Esther as we went in. We were going to go as soon as morning hit but just as she arrived, my contractions slowed down again. The next night and the next night the same thing kept happening but things just got more and more intense. I took Tylonel with codeine as my midwife had suggested so that I could get a little bit of sleep. By Wednesday evening though, the Tylonel didn’t touch the pain. I would try to lay in bed and rest but a contraction would quite literally rip me out of the bed to where I was crying out for relief from the pain. Try that every 5-7 minutes or so for 12 hours each night and you’re pretty much done kicking!

I wanted Thomas to get some sleep because I was figuring it would go through the night again and then come in waves as I got up and started my day. At least one of us could be awake enough to care for Esther is what I was thinking. T tried to sleep and I did my best to work through the contractions without yelling or making much noise. Eventually after I tried a bath and the ball and pretending I was a flower *expanding slowly* and picturing the color white and losing my ever-loving mind (it seemed like), I told T that we were going in tonight and if they sent me home I would just cry eternally. (Spoiler Alert: They didn’t send me home). [It was 4:30am on Wednesday night when we left our house]

BUT – get this… I was only a 2 when I got to the hospital. A 2!!!!!?? Ridiculous… I mean seriously. I was freaked out by this because I knew by doing basic arithmetic that 10-2 =8 and that means 8 more centimeters worth of H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. My midwife knew I hadn’t slept well in days and decided to start me on 2 pain meds (viscerol & tylonel codeine + pitocin). She wanted me to get some rest before labor really got going. Mind you, my first labor was 24+ hours in the hospital so nobody was really expecting this to go very quickly. Well, as soon as that pit was on board, my contractions took a walk on the wild side! They got SO close together, SO much *more* intense, it took absolutely everything in me to stay in control and not let them throw me into a tailspin. The repeating mantras that I had to say in my head about 15,000 times were “I can do this” “I can do this through Christ who strengthens me,” “My baby is coming,” & toward the middle/end “THIS IS GOOD” each time a contraction shook me to the core. I had to remind myself that each contraction was one step closer to my baby boy being in my arms. Without those mantras, labor would have been 39382x worse. They helped me focus in. That combined with very focused, intentional breathing helped me to stay in control of the way I reacted to each wave of pain. The other thing I tried was something I had read about in my Ina May book – I pictured some of the contractions as a huge rush of water flooding into a cave underwater and then rushing right back out. That kind of helped too. Its a mind game, this labor business.


I have to backtrack a little bit. The first thing that happened when we got officially admitted into the hospital was they put my IV in. Without going into too much graphic detail, the IV got put in a little bit “choppy,” so there was some definite pain associated along with blood squirting out all over.. I unfortunately caught a glance of it and that combined with the sheer exhaustion & pain from the IV’s placement caused my body to “shut down” momentarily. When I blacked out, there was one nurse in the room and Thomas sitting in a chair to my left. When I came to, Thomas was right in my face saying “Ang! Ang! Are you with us!? Ang?” The nurse was in my face on the other side and there were about 3-4 other nurses running around the room, shoving an oxygen mask into my face, all of them looking a little bit panicked. It was at this moment I had the thought, “This is the beginning of labor. The beginning. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. I’m in for it.” Luckily, everything was okay after that but it definitely shook me up as we went in for our augmentation/induction.

So back to where we were earlier… Whew. I am very tired so I may have to shorten things a bit but I need to do this now or I will forget things. That’s what happens with labor. You go through the worst pain of your life… and then you just slowly begin to forget everything. You forget the intensity and the internal promise you make to yourself to never put yourself through this again… You see a cute baby on the internet, your uterus shrieks out, and before you know it you’re standing in the aisle at Walgreens debating between the fancy digital tests and the cheapie ones with the lines again.

Ok, so Thomas was my main support during the first half of labor. It was just him and I in the room. We had our worship music on, diffuser going, and we worked together. Well, he worked on trying to help me and I was kind of snappy and sassy but I think he pretty much expected that. My mom and doula showed up a little later due to some confusion (AKA my husband hadn’t had coffee yet, was sitting on the couch with 2 phones in his hand trying to remember who to contact, what to say, all the while… I am shouting out orders between contractions to please grab this, do that, turn this off, turn this down, etc etc). The poor guy did his best!!! I’m not real clear on all the #’s of dilation and exact changes but basically when I got to about a 5 or so I was begging for the epidural. I had lost all color in my face- I was just plain worn out from the days of labor before and then the pitocin-induced contractions. My midwife had me get in the bath for a few minutes (which returned color to my face) and then it was glory time…

Never did I ever think I’d refer to getting a needle stuck into my spine as “glory time” but I suppose there’s a first for everything. In fact, there’s a lot I don’t remember about labor already but I do think I remember telling the anesthesiologist “I love you” as he left the room.

After the epidural, things got much more bearable. I knew I had a little bit to sort of rest and catch up. Instead of numbing things 100% though, I could still feel pain from pressure as each contraction came through. My mom and Thomas were thinking maybe the epidural hadn’t taken all the way or maybe it was inserted wrong but we found out later the real cause of the lingering pain – Jonah’s head was already locked and loaded into my pelvis! I believe I got the epidural at noon and he was delivered by 12:44pm! The only thing holding him back was my water.

Again, I know I’m condensing this but its a general idea of what happened. Before we knew it, I was at a 9.5 and it was about time to begin pushing.I had read all the Ina May stories again this time around, done my research, and finally understood that pushing can’t just be “I’M A CAVE MAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!” pushing. It has to be “I AM A CREATURE OF THE CAVE AND I CAN ROAR IF/WHEN I CHOOSE TO!!!” pushing. Still primal, but a little bit refined. Why, you ask? So you don’t tear your vagina in half. I’m not sugar coating that. That’s the reason. I’m sorry if you didn’t like that word. I don’t mean to offend anyone. Let’s move on.


So because of this wonderful insight I had gained, my pushing went from 2 hours last time to 20 minutes this time. *dance, dance, dance, dance, dance* I took very careful measures to listen to exactly what the midwife and nurses were saying about how to position my legs, when to push, where to pull back, etc, etc. 20 minutes still felt like an eternity but I suppose its inevitable when you’re trying to squeeze a child through such a small passage.

Let me take a moment to say that you should probably work on your relationship with your husband before he sees you in labor. Make sure you’re confident and know that he loves you even at your worst because soon enough you find yourself making (what feels like) the most unattractive, scary, gruesome face as you push like your life depends on it! You give yourself about 800 chins, bear down, and its go time. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say the thought crossed my mind “I must look like a frickin sumo wrestler right now.” And if I wasn’t fully confident that my husband wouldn’t run at the sight of a sumo wrestler faced wife, I would probably be worried he’d leave me or something. That would be awful. Alone in the delivery room with 800 chins and a brand new baby.

Wow. That was quite a tangent I just went on there. Excuse me. I am still on drugs. Don’t worry. The doctor gives them to me. I don’t just walk on the street or something to find them. I don’t even know how to do that.

This is getting long. Focus, focus. Well, here we are at the pushing stage. Guess what happened next? You guessed it- He emerged! Woo hoo!! Onto my chest he went for skin to skin and it was the most blissful 30 seconds of my life…. Until they had to start stitching things up in the southern hemisphere. I hated my life then. But fast forward 15 minutes or whatever it was and I was home free!! Yay yay yay yay yay!

His stats were very shocking. So he was late, as you know. Even with him being late and Esther being a day early, she still weighed more than him and measured longer than him! Esther was 8’4; Jonah was 7;5. Esther was 20″ & Jonah was 18″. Jonah also has way more hair than Esther did when she was born and I actually had heartburn the whole time with her way worse than with him! I think that was one of the positive side effects of being on Plexus actually but still, really shocking!

He came officially at 12:44pm. Thomas got to pull him out and cut his cord. Beautiful. I’m so thankful to have a husband that LOVES children and LOVES being part of childbirth. He is such a rockstar dad.

OH, and PS: We had an amazing birth photographer who just totally blew my mind with her talent and the shots she captured. I am so glad we got to have her there!

I’d love to go into how things went after that but let’s just stop there and I’ll share more stories later. My boys are both asleep and have been for quite awhile so I might try and catch some shut eye before the little one wakes up and needs me!!

All in all, I just want to say THANK YOU, JESUS. Thank you for this handsome, perfect, little baby boy. We are truly blessed. I’m honored that you chose me to be Jonah’s mother and I commit myself fully to the cause. Ready, set, go – let’s hammer out the next 18 years and then we can reevaluate my duties and responsibilities from there. Ta-ta for now ❤



Stick A Fork In Me.

Well, here we are. February 16th. Officially 2 full days past due date, Mr. Jonah. Let me just start out by saying, I am releasing all control over the timing of your birthday. I am accepting the fact that I have no control anyways and any previous control I thought I had was only a figment of my imagination. Ok, so there. I surrender. You decide. Well, actually God decides. But not me. Nope. Not anymore. My job is to work through contractions for as many days as you need me to until you’re ready to be in my arms. Alright.

Now for a bit of a vent session. Everyone always says that the 2nd labor tends to be a lot shorter than the first. This one has not been like that and I wish I never would have gotten that idea in my head. Friday night (2/10) I began to have consistent Braxton Hicks contractions. After that, I have been having “prodromal labor.” This means painful contractions that may or may not dilate the cervix..  They start and stop around the same time each day/night. And they’re just plain torture. There, I said it. TORTURE! I hate them! Ok, so here’s one positive thing… It helps you learn how to cope with and breathe through contractions more effectively because you get them all the DANG time with (seemingly) no real progress.

I am just so, so, so ready for this to pick up and be real. I can’t tell you how many texts and messages I’ve received asking me if the baby is here yet. I really appreciate all the love and concern but each one but drives in the further the saddening fact that, no, he isn’t here. And yes, I am in labor. And no, those two do not equate or make sense in my head or probably yours. I’m physically and emotionally spent. I have been seeking out fellow women on Facebook that have dealt with similar issues in labor because I don’t know very many people that can relate or even really know what I’m talking about when I say prodromal labor.

These last few days have been a very trying few. There is honestly so much more to these last few days that I can’t even include because I’m just plain tired. I’m trying to change my perspective though. As I said in the beginning, I’m dropping my need or desire to control the situation and choosing to see the silver lining. This isn’t how I pictured my “birth story” with Jonah to be but I trust that it is going to be perfect and the timing is just what is needed. Thank you, Lord, for this life within me. I trust that You are giving him exactly the amount of time he needs and that You’ll release him to me at EXACTLY the right moment. In the meantime, I surrender myself to Your will – Your ways – Your plan.

Whew. Another contraction.

The only way I have been able to get through all of these is through intense breathing and repeating “I can do this/I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” & “Your baby is coming.” I’ve also tried picturing a flower opening up. Its crazy the things you have to do to move through the contractions.

I’m done venting and being mad. I’m choosing from this moment to cherish every last minute I am blessed with, whether that’s before, during, or after this labor. This is me surrendering. Jonah, come when you’re ready, sweet boy. Your mama loves you very much and is really looking forward to meeting you. In the meantime I’ll just be over here breathing heavily, taking lots of baths, and popping the occasional Tylonel with codeine. Alright, peace out.. I better get some rest.


The Mama that Could


A Special Birthday

Eden, today marks 3 years since we said “see you later” for this side of Heaven. I was reminded this morning of how special you are to us and I just can’t wait to hold you, smell you, and kiss you one day. I know you are so beautiful. Abba Father decided to keep you in His care instead of placing you down here with us but you know what? Your siblings have a special guardian angel watching over them. They will love meeting you one day. As for now, we celebrate your life and the time that we did have you. I love you, Eden.

Today has been a pretty relaxed day… We are all catching up on rest from a couple late nights. I still haven’t packed my hospital bag. I’m beginning to think I might be packing it when I start having contractions… Hopefully it’ll happen today.

Lately I’ve been on a huge minimalism kick. I have been tossing everything that we don’t need or use on a consistent basis and it feels incredible!!

Otherwise, I am just slightly emotional but also kind of numb. I don’t think it will hit me fully until I’m going into labor and have to walk away from Esther to give birth to another child. I can’t wrap my mind around how I’ll care for and love these TWO babies… I obviously know it all will work out but its hard not to feel guilty for having to share the attention. Today as I rocked sweet Esther to sleep, I took a look at her face and had a flashback of the countless times we rocked together in that same chair when she was a newborn. Typing this, my eyes are filling with tears. I never knew how hard it could be on a mama’s heart to watch their babies grow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful she is healthy and happy and growing. But the emotions that come with thinking back to those sweet moments of nursing, holding her sweet, tiny feet… and contrasting that to now, my toddler with a vibrant personality who can say lots of words and legitimately communicate with me. Its just mind-blowing. Esther, if you are ever reading this, I love you so much. So much of my heart is yours.

But when did it happen? When did everything change from learning to crawl, nursing to your hearts content, milk comas….. to telling me you want to “splash,” helping me unload the dishwasher, pushing your pretend kitchen across the living room to come bake cookies with mom… You are changing so quickly and I don’t want to take a single second of it for granted! Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be home with these sweet babies. God, You are good. I am so blessed. Motherhood is hard but its easily the most rewarding job I have ever had.

Alright, well now that I’ve officially weeped through this entire blog post I think I’ll be going now. On a proud note, I got 2 more freezer meals done this afternoon. Feeling much more prepared this time around. Except that hospital bag thing…


Today is hard. 

I’m at my limit.  

Today in the car Esther’s meltdown caused me to erupt into one of my own. (How can she still hate every single car ride after a year of life?) At first I stayed numb. It’s not worth messing up my makeup, I tried convincing myself. Well soon that excuse didn’t hold up and I was slowly falling apart in the passenger seat. 

Thomas placed his hand over mine on my thigh. We both braced ourselves for another one of these rides. Esther screamed louder. Tears streamed down my face. He asked me, “What’s wrong?” and for a few moments I honestly wasn’t sure how to answer. Finally I replied, “A person can only go so long feeling like their entire life is spinning out of control.” Behind that blanket statement lied images in my head of sticky macaroni sauce, a nonstick skillet scraping against my glass measuring cup, pasta noodles and blackberries tracing the floor, a stained up high chair… Clothes strewn across the living room, beds unmade, random trash dumped by Esther into the bathroom tub. Not to mention the emotional mess I felt like. It’s like each day we move 500 miles an hour and give it our everything just to make it to the other side of the day. No ground is gained. Nothing is organized. Nothing is under control. We’re just making it. 

When I am actually home and want to try and tidy up, I have to do it like a silent little mouse or Esther wakes up. That sounds minor but it is SO hard for me, you guys. My attention is constantly divided and I wonder what good I’m really doing. 

There is so much more I could explain but that’s the tip of the iceberg for where I’m at today. In this season. I feel like if we had a bigger house with carpeted bedrooms upstairs I could actually clean the rest of the house without her always waking up. But that’s not something that changes over night. 

Thomas kindly dropped me off at the coffee shop in town. I knew he was purposely doing this to give me a few minutes to myself. And I gladly took it. 

When I stepped out of the car, I opened the back door & kissed Esther goodbye. Then I lost it all over again. She means the world to me and I love her so much – I felt guilty for even being frustrated with her. She doesn’t understand. Obviously something is wrong to her or she wouldn’t freak out like that. She can’t talk. So she cries. I can think rationally like that when I’m outside the situation. So I walk down the sidewalk for awhile until I can get myself together enough to walk into the coffee shop. 

I know it’s all about perspective in these moments. These seasons. And I won’t dwell in defeat. But I will allow myself to feel what’s going on in my heart. Even when it isn’t pretty. Through that, I grow. And guess what? Growth is painful sometimes. 

It’s going to be okay. I just need to stop and reevaluate and breathe and swiffer the dang floor without a baby screaming to be picked up. Oops, got off track on that last part. 

Thomas is here to pick me up now. 

Time to put on the big girl panties again. I can do this. Just needed to process.